http://www.peterkaukonen.com/mt-static/ en Copyright 2010 Wed, 07 Jul 2010 08:01:20 -0800 http://www.sixapart.com/movabletype/ http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss is BP doing about this oil spill?" the answer was, of course, that they kicked their public relations campaigns into high gear, as wit this witless fucking headline "bp says crews make progress stemming oil leaks" which two weeks and millions of gallons of oil later, morphed into "bp sees hope for solution in capping spill in the gulf" which doesn't tell me much of anything other than the new york times has bp's dick so far down their throat and are sucking so hard on it it's a wonder they can breath or that their eyes, which are bulging out like an oil-soaked crab's eyes on its stalks, haven't just fallen off like greasy fucking marbles .... also i'd like to point out that, because i have two five year old boys, i just happen to know what a "spill" is: a spill is something that a handful of paper towels can deal with ..... a spill is when a glass of milk or orange juice tips over on the table, runs between the table leaves, and spatters onto the floor and the rug ..... a spill is when a cereal bowl gets tipped over ..... a spill is when i'm waking up and can't quite handle a cup of coffee yet and i bump into something ...... what's happened and continues to happen unabated in the gulf of mexico is not a "spill:" it's a fucking hemorrhage; it's the kind of bleeding that occurs when you use a chainsaw to cut someone's throat and their head flies off their body ..... it's the kind of olympian non-stop vomiting that happens after an obese bloated cretinous greedy american has just pigged out on the endless buffet at the local Porky Pizza 'n' Bacon Bonanza franchise--and then gets the salmonella burger ....... because the meat packing industry can regulate itself and because meals only get tastier when they're infused with chicken feces and marinated in cattle pus ..... oh, the subterfuge, badinage, and dissembling with the english language has been epic, and "the media" has not been your friend, although they've certainly been friendly enough to B[utt] P[luggers] ...... appended here is a list of "headlines" i culled from the "news" during those first two action-filled months; after that i got tired, my attention span--like that of americans everywhere--wandered, and i found myself wondering whatever the fuck jen might be up to these days; it's like she almost dropped of the radar screen, along with other ephemerae like, say, "iraq" ...... or "deaths by greed and malfeasance in west virginia mines" ....... or afghanimastanifran, which has now become the "longest and most noble war in the pursuit of democracy for warlords and oil pipeline security for chevron as well as cheap heroin for poorer americans who will now need it more than ever since all schools, hospitals, and public parks have been shut down because republicans are now so worried about "the deficit" and it's always better to use money to kill people than to educate them when they might see how badly they're being fucked and i just can't help but remember l'il georgie bush say'n that "the taliban don' wan' wimmin ta have health care" so i guess the taliban's taken over our congress and senate which are hell bent on denying health care to women and ...... america just can't stand not to be at war with something or someone, and we're now streamlining the process by simply declaring war on people, women and their reproductive rights not being the least of it .... the self-serving cretinous asswipes who maintain that industry can police itself, that no regulations are needed, that there need be no liabilities, these are the self-serving sanctimonious cretinous evil asswipes who feel women are incapable of taking care of their own bodies ..... no, it's not a good time to not be a corporate ceo or lobbyist; it's a bad time to be a minority, which you girls most certainly are even though you comprise 52.78% of the population ...... you know things are fucked up beyond recognition and hope when i almost, almost, feel sorry for rednecks down in the gulf ...... i'm appalled at the blanket statements like "well, we don't know what's going to happen to a) our beaches; b) our fishing industry; c) our economy; d) our ___________________ just fill in the blank ....... shit, i know the answer to this, and so do you: you're fucked, you're absolutely fucked; your beaches are fucked and you can just kiss them the fuck goodbye; your fishing industry's fucked and you can say "au-fucking-revoir" to that oyster po' boy; your economy, what with the spectacular comeback from the katrina debacle featuring a flood of fat midwesterners comin' on down ta git thayselves a buncha fahn yung hookers fer mardi gras, is going right in the fucking toi-toi again ..... better get a subprime mortgage on that formaldehyde filled double wide 'n' use the cash to buy fast food burgers 'n missis gorton's fishstix 'cause as much as you like deep fried foods you ain't a-gonna like yore food coated in this kinda oil ..... classism, sexism, racism and oppression have always characterized the american zeitgeist, but it's reaching an ugly new head, like a festering chancrous pustule on the pockmarked face of a bloated pizza-sucking soft-drink-guzzling potato-chip-inhaling fast-food-scarfing turbo-glandular teenager ...... so i dun writ a new state song for arid-zone-a 'n' you kin add versus 'n' send 'em to me and i gonna put it tew mewzik 'n' send it dem as an ayunthem 'n' den i can write sumpin' 'bout okelhomo hatin' wimmin but luvin they jizzum but heers the sawng: kill the messkans spill they blud leave da bodiez in da mud we all wan' our lawn in order gonna shoot dem wetbax at da border cum to our kuntry wiv outstretch' hand leeve day bodiez in da sand walk through the dessert no trailer hitches we just wanna fuck dey bitches oh these policies how dey sickens now who the fuck will pluck our chickens? our neo-nazis gettin' a boner 'bout new laws in arizona (subsitute "oke-la-homer" if you so wish") meanwhile, here's a collection of "news" "headlines" from the last several weeks ..... i know i'm a cynic, but when the spill first happened i thought it'd be a ploy to divert our fragile and fragmented attention from the depredations of goldman sachs, which it might well have been: i've not read much of late about the unbridled greed and corruption of goldman sachs but then, for that matter, i haven't heard anything about how well we're doing in iraq or afghanistan, other than the almost casual mention of coordinated car bombings that just killed 124 people in one hot iraqi afternoon ..... anyway: Gulf Coast Towns Brace as Huge Oil Slick Nears Marshes is this really news? New Technique Holds Hope for Oil Spill Cleanup well, i can relax now; the new york times says things'll be okay! BP Says Crews Make Progress Stemming Oil Leaks "it's getting better all the ti-i-i-i-me/ better better ....." Gulf Oil Spill Is Bad, but How Bad? well, okay; its bad but it's not going to be bad bad, because BP says it'll be okay and we believe them, don't we? Amount of Spill Could Escalate, Company Admits oooooooooooo ...... ngngngngngng ...... reeeellly? nooooo .... tell me it's just not so! Unable to Stanch Oil, BP Will Try to Gather It no expense spared! no rock unturned! Community’s Recovery Still Incomplete After Exxon Valdez Spill really? you mean a major coporation like chevron, which we now know to be a person thanks to the supreme court, would actually drag out litigation until most of the litigants had died? and they skated paying pennies on the dollar? because corporation individual type people live a fukkuva lot longer than people who get cancer from eating oil-soaked fish? ..... surely some liberal who hates america must be making this up! People, and Poodles, Contributing to Cleanup of Gulf i gotta say, i loved this headline: isn't america wonderful? we're so .... so .... compassionate and cute that poodles .... poodles, for fucksake ..... are having more impact on the cleanup than BP is ..... Concerns Up and Down the Food Chain i can hear the fisherfolk expressing concerns like "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK" and the oysters, too, say: ". . . . . . . . . . . ." Giant Container to Collect Leaking Oil and after that we're going to shove a tampon in that fucking hole ...... In Gulf of Mexico, Chemicals Under Scrutiny they wouldn't use anything that might be harmful, would they? BP’s Chief Sees Progress in Containing Oil Spill the "BP making progress" headline keeps coming back; must be the only recycling they do, where they recycle their press releases .... as for the chief, he's a true visionary, capable of seeing things that no one else can see ..... that's why he makes the big bucks .... Regulator Deferred to Oil Industry on Offshore Rig Safety you see why gummint regerlation don't work? 'n' why a corporatin's gotta regumalate issef? For BP, a Battle to Contain Leaks and an Image Fight, Too sure hope their image doesn't get tarnished .... or coated with oil ..... Signs of Neanderthals Mating With Humans i'm fascinated by this "headline," "signs of neanderthals mating with humans ....." is that news? the previous story, about regulators having sex with industry executives in the oil industry, doesn't that tell you these primitives will fuck anything? as for offspring of crude primitive atavistic subhuman creatures, look no further than your congress, your senate, your media; your "church" officials; your ..... your ..... they're everywhere, and it's not news ..... Containment Effort Inches Closer to Oil Target but they're getting their act together! they're inching close now! Problem for Containment Dome in Gulf Oil Spill ooops ....... Regulator Deferred to Oil Industry on Rig Safety Setback in Attempt to Contain the Gulf Spill ooops .... who could'a imagined that? For BP, a History of Spills and Safety Lapses fuck .... i didn't know that .... really? New Setback in Attempt to Contain Gulf Oil Spill ooops ..... well, i never ..... Along Gulf, Many Wary of Promises After Spill really? i can't imagine why .... this is news? Halliburton Worked On Oil Rig Hours Before Explosion, Lawsuits Claim Company Is To Blame boy, now there's a shocker for you ..... but they've always been, well ..... responsible before this, haven't they? New Ways to Drill, Old Methods for Cleaning Up the old ways are the best ..... Oil Execs Blaming Each Other For Gulf Spill really? gosh, i never .... there's just no honor amongst thieves, is there? Finger-Pointing, but Few Answers at Hearings on Drilling wow, i never would'a thunk that .... indecisive hearings? gee winnikins, i'm shocked ..... Lawmakers Cite Failure of Safety Measure in Gulf Spill wow ..... lotsa smart people in gummint, ain't they? BP Sees Hope for Solution in Capping Spill in the Gulf BP's back with good news! Size of Oil Spill Underestimated, Scientists Say ooops .... you mean ..... to tell me ..... BP might have .... misrepresented the facts? Odd Smells in New Orleans Conjure Up Thoughts of the Gulf wussat smell lahk fish oh babeeee! Stocks to Watch: Gulf Cleanup May Be Opportunity america, the land of opportunity! every cloud, a silver lining! be of good cheer! someone's going to make a lot of money off this! ‘Junk Shot’ Is Next Step for Leaking Gulf of Mexico Well stuff the fucker with golf balls? ice cube trays? hey, about senators from alaska? and louisiana? Independent Inquiry Into Oil Spill Is Urged eeeeee! we get to have an investigation! like into the kennedy assassination! Obama Vows End to ‘Cozy’ Oversight of Oil Industry and he always keeps his promises, oh yes he does! Latest Effort to Stop Gulf Oil Leak Hits a Snag rilly? oooooo .... you mean ..... their rilly cool teknologdji i'n't werkin? ooooooooo ..... have they tried prayer? Small Setback in Effort to Cap Oil in Gulf well, at least it's a small setback; nothing that'll deter a quick and tidy cleanup of the 1,003,435,234,637,236,558,375.36 barrels of oil that are hemorrhaging out into the ocean and have been since god expressed His displeasure with homosexuals and miniature poodles by killing eleven miniature poodles and rupturing the oil pipe on april 20 which, by my rough calculations, was ten weeks ago, which translates into a lot of fucking oil but it's nothing to get concerned about because it's all under control ..... Giant Plumes of Oil Found Forming Under Gulf of Mexicoi really gotta stop here; a ten-mile long plume of oil indicates it's "worse than initially reported ...." reeeeelllly? i gotta stop ...... the leak won't stop but i will ..... meanwhile, it's occurred to me that the eradication of the middle class, the bankrupting of the country, of the world, forcing people to work long hours for next to no pay, is really a tribute to the longing, the nostalgia, the upper .0000000000095% has for the antebellum south and its genteel way of life ..... this is how we can make slavery legal! Officials Ask BP to Assure It Will Cover Spill Claims pretty pleeeeese ... pleeeeeeese? with shugger on it? with sweet crude on it? puh-leeeeeze? Shell Offers Reassurances on Drilling BP Reduces Gulf Oil Leak Company Cites Some Progress Fishing Ban Is Expanded as Spill’s Impact Becomes More Evident Reliance on Oil Sands Grows Despite Risks Gulf Oil Again Imperils Sea Turtle Oil Spill Has Florida Worried About Hit to Tourism you just gotta question the amerikan dreem when you can't go to disneyland ..... Fishing Ban Is Expanded as Spill’s Impact Becomes More Evident why is the government interfering here? is it proved that eating oil is bad for you? Arctic Drilling Proposal Advanced Amid Concern this is okay because there's no disney world to be negatively impacted up there .... but there wouldn't be any spills 'coz the company's so careful and even if there were they can control it .... Some Oil From Spill Reaches Current Scientists Fault U.S. Response in Assessing Gulf Oil Spill thank god we can blame everything on the government ..... Oil Is Fouling Wetlands, Official Says governor bobby jindal "chastised BP for not moving quickly enough to decide on the state’s proposal to build more than 80 miles of sand berms along the coastline. “It’s past time to act,” he said." what's wrong with this man? i thought he was a republican but he's now sounding like one of those homersessal commanistic soshalists who think they can interfere with a corporation's right to do whatever it wants to do ..... Scientists Fault Lack of Studies Over Gulf Oil Spill why is it that bp needs to "give permission" to take pictures of their colossal fuckup? oh; i didn't know it was their ocean .... this is like watching someone bludgeon a child to death with a dull hatchet, then asking them, "excuse me .... don't mean to be intrusive or impolite but .... could i look at that hatchet? the one with blood and brains all over it?" Agency Orders Use of a Less Toxic Chemical in Gulf let's use ... mmmm ...... tide! tide detergent! gets the ocean whiter than white! Despite Leak, Louisiana Is Still Devoted to Oil ah jus' luvs bein' stoopid 'n' stuff .... can we send 'em all off to betty ford? get 'em off the stuff? As Spill Grows, Oil Soaks Delicate Marshes, Birds Officials Visit the Gulf as Frustration on Spill Spreads With spill impacting 150-mile stretch, government officials aren't completely confident BP knows what it's doing. BP Kept Using Toxic Chemical in Gulf After E.P.A. Deadline Expert Is Confident About Sealing Oil Well Despite Moratorium, Drilling Projects Move Aheads Inspector General Faults Minerals Management Service Oil Hits Home, Spreading Arc of Frustration "The Gulf of Mexico oil spill has thwarted the industry’s well-control efforts and driven government officials to impotent rage." oh .... they were "thwarted" by that pesky spill? drat it all; the industry got thwarted .... b-a-a-a-a-a-d oil spill! b-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-d oilspill!there's a first but .... wouldn't it be more truthful to say that the industry was a conglomerate of greedy incompetent cocksuckers who gave nary a whit nor a shit for human or animal life in their relentless pursuit of profit and power? that they are sociopathic liars? proven time and time again to be completely without honor and integrity? well .... maybe i'm wrong but .... that's what i'm thinking .... Shaky Rule in Madagascar Threatens Trees "Exploiting a political crisis, Malagasy timber barons are robbing the nation of its sylvan heritage, illegally cutting down scarce species of rosewood trees." they must be dark complected people; americans would never do anything like that, robbing a sylvan heritage, fer chrissakes .... jeeez, shame on them! waitaminnit .... rosewood? rosewood? the greatest tonewood ever for acoustic guitars? FUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKK ..... how can i get me summadat? In Standoff With Environmental Officials, BP Stays With an Oil Spill Dispersant Expert Is Confident About Sealing Oil Well BP Prepares for ‘Top Kill’ Procedure to Contain Spill Panel Suggests Signs of Trouble Before Rig Explosion BP Prepares for ‘Top Kill’ Procedure they haven't killed enough on the bottom so now we let 'em kill everything on the top ..... why are they still "in charge?" oh ..... it's the same as the banks; they fuck everything up and then we give them money to fix what they broke because "they're the only ones that understand it ...." BP Used Riskier Method to Seal Oil Well Before Blast Results of ‘Top Kill’ Effort Remain Uncertain Obama to Extend Drilling Moratorium BP Halts ‘Top Kill’ Effort to Seal Leaking Oil Well which was of course blocked by a republican judicial appointee owning stock in ..... the companies that caused the fuckup ....... god, it makesya prowd, don' it? BP Resumes Work to Plug Oil Leak After Facing Setback Nuclear Power: A Resurgence, an Opportunity Oil Flow Is Stemmed, but Could Resume, Official Says Responding to Spill, Obama Mixes Regret With Resolve Estimates Suggest Spill Is Biggest in U.S. History Shell Buys U.S. Shale Gas Assets for $4.7 Billion Scientists Build Case for Undersea Plumes BP Engineers Making Little Headway on Leaking Well isn't it funny how one moment it's "spewing" and then suddenly it's just "leaking?" the real "spewing" comes from b.p.'s public relations department, which spews out lies and horseshit direct into "the media's" mouth, which--like a diligent mother bird--regurgitates the partially digested worm meat right into the mouth of the "american people ....." Documents Show Earlier Worries About Safety of Rig Top Kill’ Fails to Plug Leak; BP Readies Next Approach Gulf Coast Fishermen Fear Disruption of Their Way of Life White House Tries to Regroup as Criticism Mounts Over Leak Hurricane Season Raises New Fears Reforms Slow to Arrive at Drilling Agency Cleanup Draws Critics Over Speed and Care BP denies the existence of deep sea oil damage BP Tries Again to Divert Oil Leak With Dome Deep Underwater, Oil Threatens Reefs U.S. Opens Criminal Inquiry Into Oil Spill Latest Effort to Stop Oil Flow Hits a Snag How Long Should BP Remain in Charge? Oil Companies Weigh Strategies to Fend Off Tougher Regulations Before Oil Spill, It Was Unclear Who Was in Charge of Rig Indian Court Convicts 7 in Bhopal Disaster Seven former employees of Union Carbide were found guilty of “death by negligence” for their roles in the disaster that killed thousands 25 years ago. i guess they don't think that corporations are people over there; ignorant savages--no wonder the customer service centers outsourced to india are so inadequate ...... Dispersal of Oil Means Cleanup to Take Years, Official Says Rate of Oil Leak, Still Not Clear, Puts Doubt on BPdoubt BP? jesus, how can they? New Estimates Double Rate of Oil That Flowed Into Gulf Coast Guard Adjusts After Spill Estimate Rises Obama Takes a Hard Line Against Leaks to Press Estimates of Oil Flow Into Gulf Jump Higher BP Is Pursuing Alaska Drilling Some Call Risky Banned Trailers Return for Latest Gulf Disaster etc. etc. etc. ..... yada yada yada ..... yak yak yak yak yak ........ excuse me; i gotta get the paper towels; there's been a spill in the dining room ...... next: dr. pete changes his oil]]> http://www.peterkaukonen.com/mt-static/2010/07/theres_no_fuel_like_an_oil_fue_1.html http://www.peterkaukonen.com/mt-static/2010/07/theres_no_fuel_like_an_oil_fue_1.html Editorial Wed, 07 Jul 2010 08:01:20 -0800 this before: i'd like to write an editorial consisting of something other than "oh my GOD are we being FUCKED the stupid have taken over the WORLD and are driving us to PERDITION to the NTH DEGREE?" ..... the most benign metaphor i can come up with is, "they" are like a drowning man who, in his panic and dying frenzy, would drag down to the death anyone that might save him ..... do i need to elaborate as to who "they" might be? in this era of global warming and global climate change? in this time of fiscal improprieties that have brought world economies to their trembling fucking knees? when we're offered poisoned food to eat, poisoned water to drink, and poisoned air to breathe? and the most important issues we have to contend with are whether or not we should allow same sex marriage ..... or what's going on with jen ..... i didn't think so .... anyway ..... i can't quite remember when i started writing this .... mmmm ..... "editorial;" whenever it was, it was a while back, and these were the headlines that'd grabbed me that day: Lawmakers' Ties to Toyota Questioned at Start of Inquiries/ Government watchdog groups are questioning whether deep financial and personal connections between lawmakers and Toyota could taint inquires and Doctor Training Aided by Drug Industry Cash/More than half the nation's residency programs to train doctors in internal medicine accepted drug industry money, a survey found. i remember george shithead bush, before he grabbed the helm of the ship of state and drove it foundering onto the rocks, saying how he was going to usher in a culture of responsibility .... well, he did that, all right: bush and the same tired old gang of cocksuckers are responsible for fucking near everything: failed wars and failed policies; looting the world's treasuries; bankrupting this country; turning it into a third world fourth rate tinpot despot nation that tortures people and thinks that's okay; turning the "rule of law" into the "drool of law," where supreme court "justices" are such corporate lackeys that they play snowball with corporate semen as the "media" coats its vinyl bib in a glossy sheen of slobber in its complacent complicity .... the problem is that, while they're responsible for everything, they're not admitting culpability ..... they're responsible but they take no consequences for their depredations and malfeasance; we do, but they don't ..... for a brief moment i've thought, well, americans are so stupid, so fucking ignorant, so gullible, so eager to be manipulated by the thugs that are fucking them in the ass that they deserve what they get but the problem is, i don't deserve this and my children don't deserve this and i'm sure you don't deserve this and here we are, taking it in the shorts because of the ineptitude, the moral lassitude, and the corruption of a "political party" that seeks "buy-partisanship" and concensus on what the next round of perks and concessions to corporations and the upper .00005476835% who control 98.8674359072647921457% of the wealth in this country might be; yes, folks, america is right on the corner and right on the price and we're so cr-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-zy that we're just givin' it all away so come on down, bring the wife, bring the kids, bring your corporate lobbyists, bring your special interest groups 'n' ya won't go 'way empty handed! ..... then there were these headlines: Destroying CIA Tapes Wasn't Opposed, Memos Say: The chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee in 2003 did not object to destroying videotapes of brutal interrogations by the C.I.A., according to documents. and john yoo and jay bybee are strolling around, serene and unbothered and well paid ..... i know, i know; i tend to perseverate on the unpleasant; i know, i know, i should just look ahead and not back but ..... i can't help but be bothered by my homeland resurrecting the spanish inquisition and .... well, let me back up here a minute: i'm bothered by having a homeland in the first place but .... the reluctance of america to confront the horrors of its most recent past is disgusting, and it will exact a heavy price ..... the germans had their fatherland and their time of infamy, but they will not forget it because they confront it regularly .... der spiegel regularly runs front page articles delving into the calumnies of the third reich, but the most americans get is jen 'n' brad 'n' angelina 'n' i don't know because i don't give a shit ..... CLOSING OF REST STOP STIRS ANGER IN ARIZONA "The people of Arizona kept their upper lips stiff when officals mortgaged off the state's executive office tower. They remained calm as lawmakers pondered privatizing death row. But then the state took away their toilets, and residents began to revolt" well, it's easy to say that the people of arizona are revolting--because they keep electing john mccain; because they tolerate him and his bullshit economics; because they tolerate a system that's proven, time and time again, to be fallacious, dangerous, fatal, catastrophic, and evil ...... now they're whining because there's no pee stop on the drive from flagstaff to phoenix : "by the time i get a penis/i'll be dripping ....." what a bunch of assholes, and fuck the people who write this shit ..... hey, remember back around the time we transitioned from Bush The Cretinous to Obama The Poseur, there was all this talk about a "populist revolt?" people who were upset about 800 billion dollars given to the companies that trashed a faulty system in the first place? and i said--and yes, i told you then and i'm telling you so again now--that nothing would come of that? because americans are conditioned to not bite the hand that fucks them? but to kiss the dicks that do? and to suck the shit off the knuckles on the hand that's just fisted the living bejeesus out of 'em .... and now arizona's outlawed hispanics ..... good goin', guys; good goin' ...... don't tell me this is a "compassionate nation;" we were founded by sociopathic religious murderers who were so obnoxious and intolerant they had to leave their homes and find a new place where they could fuck with and oppress others ..... they came here and we're upholding their tradition ..... and speaking of appalling assholes, now there's all this rhetoric about populist anger from the tea parties .... well, folks: tea parties are for little girls (a flip of the kangatail to lisa rios): these people are chickenshits who were scared to death of the t-shirts some folks wore to bush' "town hall rallies for the new neo-nazis" but now want to carry guns when they see a "democratic president ...." these are the folks that tolerated eight years of a government that spied on them; tapped their phones; opened their mail; read their e-mails; gave away their money to the upper .00000000000000265463 percent; gave away the rest of their money to blackwater, kellog brown and root, and halliburton; banrupted the country; disappeared eight billion dollars in freshly printed one hundred dollar bills in one week in iraq and thought nothing of it but won't tolerate funding schools or child care or healthcare; killed a million people but they were brown so it doesn't count; and now they're frightened to death that people without health insurance might get it ..... "ooooo .... pleeze don't straten muh teef!" "pleeze donet kure my wombatulosis! .... muh daddy died of it while he wuz fukken muh sister an' i wanna dah of it whahl ahm fokken her tew!" does anyone remember, back around november of 2001, that cretinous evil retard bush was startin' ta roll with his whore on terrrerrrr and he gave a "speech" where he said "the taliban doesn't give women healthcare" and here we are with the "democrats" who have bargained away the health access rights and abilities of 51% of the population and this should tell you when i started trying to write this column back when "health care reform" was an "issue" and that fucking asswipe bart stupak was holding up legislation because he was a man of principles and his principles were based on his disdain and hatred for women who oddly enough are a majority in this country not that majorities mean much not when i heard two "news" pieces on N[aked] P[ustulent] R[abbits} back to back with the first one saying "64% of the "american people" are in favor of single payer health care" followed by bitch mcconnell minority leader saying "amerkans don' waw-unt he'th cay-uh 'n' we hay-uv tuh give amerkans whut they waw-unt" so i'm confused is george bush saying that our senators are one and the same terrarrwrists just like the taliban because both of them want to deny health care to women? my god! george bush and i are actually agreed on something! who'da thunk it ! ! ! ? ? ? ! ! !- while i'm thinking about it, isn't it time we had a new crop of cute little ribbon bumperstickers for our large suv's? i mean, we went through the whole "support our troops" thing; those were popular for a good long time but they seem to be faded and fading now, and it's time we had a new bandwagon for the public to hop on, a new cause to support, and here it is: one bumper sticker will be a black ribbon, as black as black lungs, that says "support the coal miners" and the other will be a ribbon made out thousand dollar bills that says "support the corporations" and ...... there are some logical conclusions we can come to, and i'd like to see us arrive at them really fast: if corporations now have the rights of people, and they do thanks to our "supreme court" which fortunately isn't made up of revisionist or activist judges but just composed of strict interpreters of constitutional law as long as their preconceptions coincide with the moral imperative of attila the hun, john wayne gacy, and scrooge mcduck, then shouldn't massey energy the owner-operator of the west virginia coal mine where twenty-one minors just lost their lives in a mine that had a record number of documented violations be brought up on manslaughter charges? negligent homicide? i think if we executed a corporation or two or, by proxy, their ceo's, we might see some more responsible behavior on their part .... but ... ha ha ... i've a rich fantasy life, you know? and hey, were you wondering about this editorial's title? check it out again, and if i need to i'll explain it to you .... it means that 1) women are so stupid they're not qualified to be responsible for their own bodies or body functions, although viagra is covered by health insurance, so men have to make decisions for them, and 2) we are all being royally fucked and neither we nor the interests or beliefs we have are represented in our "government ....." wasn't there a revolution a while back because of this? next: dr. pete goes poopoo ]]> http://www.peterkaukonen.com/mt-static/2010/04/impregnation_without_represent.html http://www.peterkaukonen.com/mt-static/2010/04/impregnation_without_represent.html Editorial Wed, 21 Apr 2010 13:09:16 -0800 any tahm soon ..... last editorial was about wimmin gittin' their equality on and now i'm gonna write up andrew joseph stack III of--where else--texas, who flowed his pooper stub into an irs bildin ..... now i'm a-gonna look on the braht side heer two, okay? coz you knowed that if a dark-complected person'd don thay-ut he'd'a been a terrrorisst yew betcha! suntan in a plane? flyin' inta a bildin? with a political agenda? ooooooo, homeland security, yew dun such a good job pertectin' me from ayun-thrayukx, pleese pleese pleese pertict me from that dark man in a pooper club! but holdjer horses now! this was a whaht may-un, 'n' that means he was prolly just unhappy that day, lahk he wuz havin' a bay-ud hay-er day, 'n he jus' din't know how ta 'spress his feelins! see, if'n yore whaht yew can bomb churches and olympic git-togaythers; yew kin shewt dokters and nigras and gays 'n' homersessals but that dont make ya a terrsrrsstst, just a patriot or a valyew voter 'spressin thayr beleefs .... yew kin send ayun-thrayux threw the males which by the way's been solved, just like that kennedy thayung that happend so lawng ago thank god fer painstakin' gummint investimagashun and thayut wuz a whaht mayun tew so thayr sherly ain't no terrrr involved hee-uh ..... ahm thinkin' anger manidgjement'd hayulp these individgels a lot, donchew? see, we dont hay-uv terrrrrrsssts in amerka unlays thayr in congress or the senit or the whaht house and then peeple in uther kuntries think theyr terrrrrrsssts becawz whiz! boom! bang! suddinly bomz are fallin' frum the skah-uh 'n' hittin weddin partees 'n' skoolz if there was a suntan in a plane droppin bomz on our weddin parteez boy'd that'd be tay-ror fer sher but see .... lahk ah tol'ja .... weer whaht so its okay ..... republicans and other fine americans thought this incident was really funny, though, saying things like "gosh, grover norquist ... i thought that was you but .... ha ha .... it wasn't .... ha ha ......" i'm sorry it wasn't; had it been we could've all pissed on his grave ..... except .... i think he'd like a little golden shower ..... speaking of golden linings on clouds of shit, here's an article from bandon, oregon, that proves chrischun charity and giving ain't day-ud, not in thee-us kun-tree ...... (thanks and a flip of the kanga-tail to lisa rios; lisa, i'm never going to sleep again, knowing that people like this are running around and voting .... thanks a lot!) MURDER SUSPECT CLAIMED HE SHOT TERRORIST, SOUGHT ESCAPE COQUILLE--Gabriel Morris seemed very upset and scared when he appeared unexpectedly on Fred Eschler's Coquille doorstep on the night of Feb. 8. A former beau of one of Eschler's daughters, Morris told the Coquille school board member that terrorists had killed his mother and her friend. That he and his wife, Jessica Morris, had been working undercover for the U.S. Air Force. He said he shot a terrorist and needed to get out of town. About 15 miles away, Robin Anstey and her boyfriend, Robert W. Kennelly Jr., lay dead in their Bandon-area home, their bodies pierced by bullets. According to Coos County court documents, investigators believe Morris shot them repeatedly and headed to Eschler's house for help, before fleeing the state with his wife and 4-year-old daughter. Eschler -- a teacher at Millicoma Intermediate School -- and his wife, Laura, gave them clothing, sleeping bags and about $150. He also loaned them a gun, ammunition and a Ford Taurus. The next day, Eschler picked up the phone and called the Coos County District Attorney's Office. He reported that a visitor, claiming to be involved in counter-terrorism activities for the federal government, said he may have been involved in two recent homicides near Bandon. But neither the police nor the DA knew of any unsolved homicides. Nor did they know Anstey and Kennelly were dead. That is, not until Wednesday, Feb. 10, when a Coos County Sheriff's Office deputy drove up to Kennelly's home about 6 miles outside of Bandon on Highway 42 South. He walked toward the front door, looking for the owner of a truck that had been abandoned on North Dean Street in Coquille. There, on the two-story home's deck, he spotted Anstey's body by an open front door. He saw Kennelly's on the floor inside, a few feet from the door. That same day, Coquille Police Chief Mark Dannels interviewed the Eschlers, who live on North Dean Street. According to court documents, Morris repeatedly asked for .40 caliber ammunition and a ride to San Diego. Eschler refused to drive them, but gave them his Taurus. He also gave Morris a 9 mm semi-automatic handgun with three loaded magazines. At one point, the 33-year-old Morris dropped a semi-automatic handgun that had been hidden in his clothing onto the Eschlers' couch. The Eschlers said they last saw the family drive away in their car, with Jessica Morris at the wheel and Gabriel Morris and Kalea huddled in the back seat. A surveillance camera caught the Morrises on tape in Mesa, Ariz., on Feb. 10, in what appeared to be the Eschlers' Ford. They may be heading to Louisiana or Florida. At the crime scene, investigators and Coos County District Attorney R. Paul Frasier found what appeared to be a .40 caliber spent shell casing and an empty magazine from a semi-automatic handgun near Kennelly and Anstey's bodies. "Based upon the above information, I have probable cause to believe and do believe that Gabriel Christian Morris is responsible," for the shootings, Frasier wrote. The state has issued a warrant for Morris' arrest, charging two counts of aggravated murder. Attempts to reach Eschler for comment were unsuccessful. Laura Eschler refused to comment. this is one of the most heart warming stories i've read in a long time, and i read the new jerk whines regularly ..... it shows what a christian--and did you notice what our protagonist's middle name is?--giving nation we are, how we never turn away empty handed someone who knocks on our door and asks to borrow a cup or two of ammunition .... although i gotta say, mr. eschler could'a been more he'pful: he could'a drove 'em down to san diego like they asked instead of just lending them the taurus ..... still, it just validates that expression "praise the lord and pass the ammunition," a guiding principal of this country through its psychotic genocidal progress ..... and it makes me think back to amy bishop-anderson, rammin' home them clips and sprayin' the quad with coverin' fahr ..... an' i thawt, if'n only we-uns'd all lissen to the nashinul riful ass .... ass ..... ass-oh-see-ay-shun, then ever'body on the campus'd have had a gun or four 'n' they could'a all returned fahr an' it'd've been lahk john belushi in "animal house" where he's in the cafeteria an' he's runnin' away from doug niedermayer and greg marmalard (you can see what a memory for critical facts i have) an' he stops .... an' he shouts out FOOD FIGHT! and the cafeteria explodes in arcing trays and spraying drinks and ..... huntsillve could'a been just like that, only with lots more ammo ....... next: dr. pete loads his tray ]]> http://www.peterkaukonen.com/mt-static/2010/02/domesticatin_tayror.html http://www.peterkaukonen.com/mt-static/2010/02/domesticatin_tayror.html Editorial Mon, 22 Feb 2010 08:37:00 -0800 carried a gun onto campus--instead of just to a town hall meeting with the president of the united states--where she's opened fire on her colleagues! boy, is this a great country? or what! and--in the photos i've seen of her? looks like she's sportin' a mullet! ya just cain't git more 'murkin'n thay-ut! it just makes me proud to be an american; no longer are schoolyard slaughters the prerogative of young disenfranchised youths who listen to satanic messages when they play their i-pods backwards; mass murder can't be the sole domain of disgruntled islamic army majors or, for that matter, gruntled army majors or minors; it's about time you ladies got to packin'; you'd be amazed how fast that glass ceilin'd shatter and disappear when you've unloaded a clip of power punchin' .45's into it; slap a sawed off .12 gauge in the face of your boss during salary negotiations and see how quickly you achieve financial parity with yer male counterparts; throw down your glock on the boardroom table and see if they'll dismiss you as "shrill" or "whiny" or "too emotional ....." and amy ain't no amy-come-lately to our time-honored tradition of schoolyard shootin's: other than fratricide she's got a long history of being a die-in-the-wool amerkan: "Dr. Bishop was charged with assault in 2002 after punching a woman in the head at an International House of Pancakes in Peabody, Mass. According to a police report, Dr. Bishop was angry that the woman had taken the last booster seat in the restaurant, which Dr. Bishop wanted for one of her children, The Globe said. It added that Dr. Bishop was sentenced to probation and that prosecutors recommended she take anger management classes, (italics mine), though it is not clear whether she did." (italics mine) ..... don't this show y'all great american values? first off, class dining .... she wasn't taking her kids to no sleazy burger joint, but to a pancake'n'waffle house where she could get 'em some nutrishun! second, you can see how focused she was on her child's welfare'n'well-bein', gettin' ready to go to the mat fer a booster seat .... 'n' finally, mentorin' her kid in the fine american art of conflict resulushun, by IIUIOASNTPUNTW! ya gotta love this wumman, you gotta luv this wumman, and i think she should get the nominashun for the nobel peace prize, where she can take her rightful place with the honorees, like henry kissinger and barrack obama and dick cheney ..... oh ..... dick wasn't nominated? well, he will be: you read it here first; stick around ..... hey, do you think she took that course in anger management? as a mental health professional, i can testify to the value of behavioral modification courses addressing things like anger and pedophilia and colonialism and racism and imperialism and ...... oh .... and i said i was going to be positive! well ..... i hope you enjoyed our little excursion into the heart of the heartland, where every day is valentine's day! .... stay tuned! and ..... have a great visit to the college campus of your choice! next: dr. pete drains the behavioral sink ]]> http://www.peterkaukonen.com/mt-static/2010/02/back_to_school.html http://www.peterkaukonen.com/mt-static/2010/02/back_to_school.html Editorial Thu, 18 Feb 2010 15:43:58 -0800 so hard to write editorials now; i started this one eight days ago and am finally thinking, i gotta finish it up and publish it, strike a blow for freedom and .... no ..... ha ha .... i'm not kidding myself but .... it's not just that i'm hard at work on a new album--see? i still call 'em albums?--it's just that i can't take "the news" any more ..... i listen to N[auseating] P[ustules] R[unning] and, before the shill can even get a full sentence out of his or her mouth, i'm shrieking "you lying fucking pussbag you're sucha shameless whore for corporate greed and repressive government policies there's not one fucking word of truth that's come out of your mouth since noah flogged the pair of hippopotamasses onto the ark good thing there's no "advertising" on your stations it's just "underwriting" from enlightened corporations like chevron who now legally enjoy more expansive rights than any mere individual does boy sure wouldn't want to shake that applecart now would you and" ...... i just can't be doing this; i've got five-year-olds in the house ..... anyway, here's where i started, over a week ago: i see harold ford wants to run for the united states senate .... wow! do we have political dynasties here? or what! we've had the booshies and the dodds and we've had the romneys and the fords and harold's saying we need tax cuts there's an original thought from a republican and i see that a thurmond's throwing his hat into the poltical ring as well .... why doesn't the republican party fund strom thurmond's illegitimate black daughter for, say, congress? that'd constitute a reaching out, wouldn't you say? boy, wouldn't that tell the world that they were moving into the twentieth century at long last ..... speaking of shitheads and Those Who Snoffle The Bottoms of Mashed Rodents--and we were--i really had to avoid the state of the union address, and i confess that i missed obama's visit to the republican retreat, whatever the fuck that was .... i wish to god they would retreat, but i don't think i'll live long enough to see them in full rout, whipped out of this country like the mad slavering curs they are ..... i had my own ideas of what obama's visit should be like ..... i saw him striding into the marbled halls of power, holding dick cheney's severed head like a bowling ball, two fingers stuck into the eye sockets, optic jelly oozing out; thumb stuck into that mouth, the one that was fastened to satan's cock like a piglet suckling on its mommy's teat, while gore dripped and spattered the parquettry; throwing the head onto the floor our duly elected president, the one that ran on a platform of "hope"--and you know what an ephemeral platform that can be--says, listen up you assholes--and its dung-suckers like you that give assholes a bad name--here's the rule of law .... run afoul of it and this is what happens ..... for starters ..... at that point george w. is brought into the room, wearing an orange jumpsuit; his feet are shackled together, his hands are cuffed behind his back .... he stumbles as he walks .... well, he always did, didn't he? they kept telling him not to chew gum while he walked, but he never did listen very well, did he? obama says, here's the world's foremost terrorist: he's done more to destroy our country, invalidate the constitution and bill of rights, than anyone; proud of his military service, even though he went AWOL? good .... he'll be tried as a military combatant in secret; he's heading off to guantanamo right now .... he pulls a switch and sim! sim! salabim! george w. disappears in a cloud of noxious smoke, smelling of an unwashed hyena anus, leaving the hint of a shriek in the fetid air, sounds like they were filtered through a towel, soaked in water, and placed tightly over his nose and mouth ..... then obama says, here's my attorney general ..... all you cocksuckers who advocated torture, you're in the dock; we're turning you over to the war crimes commission in the hague .... see you on trial, bitch .... then he says, buy-partisan? you asswipes won't be able to rent a buy-partisan snotrag when we're done here; go home and tell your constituency that "no" doesn't constitute policy .... in fact, you'll all be indicted for terrorism: the active obstruction to and undermining of the founding fathers' principles constitutes terrorist activity and unamerican behavior: you're either with us or you're against us, you'll no longer undermine our principles in a time of war, and actions will be taken against you, your families, your dogs pigs chickens goats sheep hor-ses and anything else that walks crawls or flies on anything you own or have touched .... i dreamt that he continued: as for fiscal responsibility, cutting taxes for the rich who already pay none isn't policy, it's suicidal insanity .... funding war profiteers constitutes sedition; only investing in the people and the programs that build america is fiscally responsible, and i'm not sitting here to take the bum rap for eight years of failed republican policies ..... and as for you so-called "democrats," the ones who wanted to barter away americans' health and trade off women's rights for a pittance in pay-off blood money, here's what i've got to say to you ..... and lieberman is dragged into the chamber, stripped of his clothing, and slowly impaled on a red hot spike before being cast into a cauldron of molten lead ..... boy, i sure have a rich fantasy life, don't i? speaking of fantastic, i couldn't make shit like this up, the article i just read that told me haitians in need of emergency medical treatment weren't being allowed into the united states because .... no .... ha ha .... not just because they're black ..... they're being denied entrance for medical help because, well ..... they don't have insurance and who's going to pay for their treatment? boy, we sure got our priorities on straight, don't we? mmmm mmmmm mmmmmmm! "compassionate" is our middle name, "univeral health care" our middle initial ..... makes me proud to be an american; what about you? but wait! there's more! aren't you tired of hearing "the media" natter about how "democrats should reach across the aisle?" sure, we know that republicans usually reach out and underneath partition dividers in airport men's rooms, but here's what i'd like republicans to see in obama's hand as he "reaches out across the aisle:" -- a hook -- a claw -- a fist -- a .357 -- a .45 -- a .44 magnum -- a hand grenade -- the bird i'm almost done, and then i'm going to go down to haiti and save poor dark orphans from satan's clutches by bringing them to america where they can learn to fuck their sisters and shoot doctors; might as well be shootin' doctors ..... haitians ain't insured so they ain't gonna be seein' none ..... an' sheeeeeeee-it ...... livin' in a trailer park 'n' drinkin' beer 'n' watchin' tv 'n' eatin' deep fried bacon grease is better'n what they got right now ..... meanwhile, i hear about the troubles the japanese automakers have been having .... toyota hasn't quite mastered brakes and accelerators yet, although i've got a 1987 toyota tercel that i use for carrying my mountain bike up to remote trails, and it's a magnificent automobile; you know what makes it great? you can see out of it; unlike modern automobiles which have diminuitive rear windows and miniscule slit-like rear side windows which you can't see out of unless you have eyes on stalks like a crab or individually suspended eyeballs like a chameleon today's super neat practically designed for intelligent people automobiles have to have little cameras put up their butt so the fat stupid drivers can see what they're going to run over when they put it in reverse oh shit! another bag boy in the supermarket parking lot! my bad! sooooorrrry! ......come on people this is the stupidest shit in the world and when honda talks about recalling faulty airbags for a moment i had a flash of hope that honda was going to empty out congress and the senate and shut down the newspapers and turn off the radio but ...... there's just one more thing: maybe you can explain to me how what N[asty] P[enis] R[ash] refers to as a "vibrant political movement" but i think of as infantile psychotic puling cretins (i'm talking about the "douchebag movement") is comprised of ___________ you can fill in the blank yourself who now shrill about "too much government" and "intrusive government" and "too big government" and "government spending" yet who were mute and dumb--and i say that advisedly--through eight years of a "government" that tapped our phones; opened our mail; read our e-mails; created the largest and most inefficient agency the world has ever seen--"homeland" "security;" disappeared eight billion dollars in cash, on pallettes, in iraq; dumped i don't know how many billions of dollars per week down the drain in their Illegal Immoral Unilateral Invasion Of A Sovereign Nation That Posed Us No Threat Whatsoever (IIUIOASNTPUNTW); encouraged banks and credit card companies to fleece the sheeple pink and shivering; encouraged companies like enron; chevron; goldman sachs; cut taxes on the richest .000001257 per cent while slamming the ham to an ever-dwindling middle class even as they reamed the poor before making them suck the glove--and there's plenty in this classless country--witless and ...... yes, a country threatened by the offer of health care: "no! no! please doncha fix mah teeth! no lawdy! i WANNA be fat'n'stupid'n' die of cancer! please don't interfere 'coz i'm sellin' mah double-wide so's ah kin git mah brain removed!" now can i move to pandora? next: honest to goodness dr. pete doesn't know what's next but he's convinced it's going to be way worse ..... ]]> http://www.peterkaukonen.com/mt-static/2010/02/fill_in_the_blank.html http://www.peterkaukonen.com/mt-static/2010/02/fill_in_the_blank.html Editorial Thu, 11 Feb 2010 16:55:14 -0800 republicans in a republican administration with the concensus of democrats so don't fucking talk to me about buy-partisanship when our partisanship was bought and sold and so were you, you poor fucker, you ..... you'd think that'd be worth mentioning, wouldn't you .... don't you think we should be reminded that the problems we contend with, from jobs to genocide, are the result of failed republican policies, programs, theories, ideas, greed, corruption, ineptitude, and incompetence ..... why is it that no one talks about this? eight years, for christ fucking sake: eight fucking years when we watched the american character--never the most stalwart and robust--slide down a greasy poop chute into an orwellian cesspool of doublespeak, doublethink, and quadrupally fucked, where we devolved into a fourth rate third world country incorporating torture into its judicial system even while making it a cornerstone of foreign policy .... why is it that we heard so much about john edwards' hairdo and how expensive it was ..... mmmmm ...... what's the cost ratio a haircut when it's compared to some infantile regressed sociopathic puerile fantasy freak getting into a codpiece packed flight suit and parading around on the deck of a fucking aircraft carrier, posturing before our "fighting men and women ...." jesus, the "media" was lining up to suck cock then and they're doing it once more, nattering about how scott brown "looks like a real american ....." oh, here we go again, you racist fucks: real american = rich white man ....... not ....... thank god we've still got some schools that we can now cut funding to so that we can be fiscally responsible, which means funnelling every penny we have to war profiteers; thank god we've got some hospitals left--although we certainly don't provide health care to our citizens because .... ha ha .... get this .... that would be unamerican, like healthy people are unamerican because if they're healthy they can't go on a diet a week and they wouldn't subsidize the pharmaceutical industry to the degree they do which is believe you me plenty and of course if americans were educated they'd remember that our current crop of problems is due to the failed policies of republican administrations let me repeat that in case you missed it passing right by you whizzo! bango! ..... our current crop of problems is due to the failed policies of republican administrations but i was saying, thank god we've still got some hospitals we can close so inner city children can't see doctors because an educated population would be non-complaint an ignorant diseased corpulent bovine delusional hysterical frightened population is our greatest natural resource, an renewable source of energy, something that can perpetually be exploited by corporations who claim they "need to grow" to be vital i always thought that perpetual growth was another name for cancer which of course kills its host corporations are close to doing that here aren't they poisoning the food the air the water but they need stupid people to plunder remember the business of america is business and .... speaking of amoral duplicitious fucks--and we were--are you going to listen to our leader's "state of the union" speech tonight? i don't have to; so much of it has already been "disseminated to the media" and "dispersed to the sheeple" and "spread like manure over the barren fields of our minds;" it's like the systematic desensitization i used to do with clients, preparing them for a shock, the controlled and gradual anticipatory gearing up for events or sitatuations that'd otherwise result in decompensatory anxiety and confusion ..... i figure we're told, in dribs and drabs, what the content of the speech is so that when it's actually given the speaker won't be drowned out by the seething multitudes shrieking "FUCK YOU! WE WANT OURS AND WE WANT IT NOW!" so we're being told in advance that there will be no money for social programs: no child care, no day care, no prenatal care; no health care, no geriatric care, no scholastic care, no nothing if you're a human being but nellie bar the door! for the flood of dollars to the "defense industry" which, to date, is still stumped by individuals who wear shoes .... or underwear ..... the rain's stopped; i think i'm going to ride my bike to pandora .... next: dr. pete gets cortisone injections for cerebral inflammation ..... ]]> http://www.peterkaukonen.com/mt-static/2010/01/up_your_irony.html http://www.peterkaukonen.com/mt-static/2010/01/up_your_irony.html Editorial Wed, 27 Jan 2010 13:10:36 -0800 god! a white american got killed? send in the troops! he needs security! i'll give you the lowdown on this one .... not too long ago i read about an attorney who was formulating a defense for a christer who'd murdered a bunch of people (no, they weren't doctors) because "god told him to," and he didn't want his client to be perceived as a "delusional religious fanatic ...." isn't that redundant? "delusional" religious fanatic? is there any other kind? what's the difference between a "delusional religious fanatic" and the plain old run-of-the-mill doctor-killin' intolerant bigoted religious fanatic? no shortage of these shitheads in "the papers" these days: we've gone from britt hume asking tiger woods to turn to jesus because the christian faith offers the best kinda forgiveness there is to that old devil's jizz stain pat robertson--oh, when he's not countin' the proceeds from his blood diamonds, he just never fails to satisfy, does he?--sayin' that the haitians did a deal with the devil because they got tired of being slaves--b-a-a-a-d haitians; b-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-d haitians!--and that's why god levelled the island and they need to repent and ask for forgiveness .... hey, if they repent and ask for forgiveness is god going to rebuild everything, only this time provide utilities? sewage? electricity? clean water? health care .... oh .... ha ha ..... we don't have that either, do we .... you know, last i looked the haitians were christians, that voodoo stuff aside .... what's that you say? you can't tell the difference? you're cynical, aren't you .... here's what the conservatives are really getting at, and when you understand this you understand their policies, programs and plans through the last forty years: what they're really saying is, you darkies better ask god to forgive you for being black, because he doesn't like you .... we don't like you, either ...... because--as we all know--blacks are black because they bear the burden of god's shame, and pretty much the only thing they're good for is, well .... bein' slaves .... i see one of the knee jerk crimes' many conservative mouthpieces has a "column" titled "forgiving mark mcguire ...." jesus fucking christ: is this how you get published in the "main streem meedia" in a newspaper get on television these days? say someone should turn to fucking jesus for forgiveness? be a sanctimonious fuckhead? be a delusional religious zealot? burn witches? man the dunking stool? hey! who's jesus' press agent? how come jesus gets so much fucking coverage? .... no wonder we're fucked as a country ..... the fucking media ..... and you know the thing about haiti? it's gonna be like new orleans: they're gonna move all the black people out and turn it into a country club for the uber-wealthy ...... yes, i can see it now: "move to caribbean breeze, a gated community and golf course with modern slave pens!" what can i say? i was going to write a column about the case against the blackwater--excuse me; i meant "xe" .... guards who slaughtered seventeen civilians in baghdad and how they had their case thrown out of court .... i was going to write a story about the saudi prince who was videotaped torturing some poor bastard but his case was thrown out, too .... hey, i could've written about the whistleblower who alerted the IRS to swiss banks illegally hiding billions and billions of dollars--i know; what's a billion here or there--for a select roster of americans and .... he got sentenced to four years in jail while not one of the criminals he blew the whistle on will be brought to trial and ..... and i don't even get paid to write any of this ...... i can't even begin to comment on a republican taking ted kennedy's senate seat and how "the media" and "the pundits" are saying how "this will give the republicans muscle in the senate" and "obama's health care is in jeopardy" and "the democrats don't have a lock on policy making" and for the life of me i couldn't tell that the democrats had a lock on policy what i saw was corporations having a lock on just about all the politicians and i couldn't tell whether the democrats were eating dog food or sheep food because i sure didn't see any muscle oh i forgot we were looking for "buy-partisan concensus" which means you republicans do what you want and we democrats'll do what you republicans want and there was always good ol' joe lieberman who'd sell out the american sheeple at the drop of a lobbyist's dollar and ..... here's what i really want to say: go see "avatar ....." if you haven't already done so, go see it now; go see in 3D; go see it in IMAX ....... i've always felt that movies should take you away, that they should transport you, and boy oh boy, does this one ever ..... we'll talk when we all come back to earth ..... although ..... mmmmmm ...... on second thought? next: dr. pete moves to pandora]]> http://www.peterkaukonen.com/mt-static/2010/01/take_your_irony_supplement.html http://www.peterkaukonen.com/mt-static/2010/01/take_your_irony_supplement.html Editorial Tue, 19 Jan 2010 20:14:49 -0800 told you so, but ..... i told you so ..... look, herewith my deathless and timeless lyrical insight into the ovine american psyche, and the manipulative venal forces that run us bleating to the pen, where we're shorn: "now why would you think freedom’s being flushed down the drain unless you’ve recently tried to get on a plane ....but this shouldn’t come to you as any great news: remember the fuck who set fire to his shoes? it frightened us so much that we couldn’t get to sleep but that’s just what happens in a nation of sheep; because along comes this guy (and some called him insane) who, dropping his drawers after boarding a plane, he pulled out some matches; setting fire to his shorts, he screamed, “i’ll kill us all with my flammable farts!” now pre-boarding procedures are like a ritual dance for those unfortunate passengers who pull down their pants as highly trained operatives who (like sniffing good scotch) inhale the musk of a redolent crotch etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. ......" jesus ..... this is from my immortal album "beyond help!" which i released to thunderous acclaim back in ...... mmmmm ..... was it '04? when i hoped to prevent the foundering of the electoral ship of state? like it really makes a difference? and, speaking of being prescient, here's from the same album: JOBLESS RATE HIGHEST IN EIGHT YEARS DOW HITS NEW LOW, BUSH PROPOSES SOCIAL SECURITY INVEST IN MARKET! MARKET CRASHES! COUNTRY BANKRUPT! TOM CRUISE HAS GOOD LOOKING WIFE! BILL OF RIGHTS REPEALED when i wrote that people said "nuh-uh, pete; tom cruise is single! he doesn't have a wife!" but ... ha ha ... i knew better; wait and see, i said, just wait and see--not only will tom cruise get another good looking wife but jen's gonna do lotsa stuff that i couldn't give a fuck about but we'll hear about endlessly ..... (lyrics copyright peter kaukonen; use by permission only) maybe you can explain something to me .... please .... help me understand how conservatives can oppose the government's involvement in providing universal health care to the population--which would keep us safe--while demanding that we take off our clothes and bend over before we can get on a plane which, they maintain, will keep us safe .... i don't get it; we're bombing the shit out of wedding parties in afghanistan with remote controlled drones and satellite surveillance, terrorists have exploding boxer shorts ..... there seems to be some kind of technological imbalance here ...... and i've looked: i can't find exploding briefs at macy's, no matter how hard i look ..... there's one bright ray of sunshine in this whole preposterous affair, the most inane--aside from exploding underwear--aspect being that obama's being held accountable for situations that occurred long before he took office ..... we can hold obama accountable for lots of things, not the least of which is military expansion that should have republicans tearing their tiny peepees off their bodies in a masturbatory frenzy at the thought of the profit potential for their war profiteering cronies but .... yemen? the cole? that was .... mmmmm ...... october 12, 2000 ..... wasn't that during the reign of Bush The Incredibly Dumber? at least when we invade yemen we're going to get to fight a "war" in a country that's far easier to get around in than afghanistan ..... and we need a new war to distract us from how we've fucked up the old ones, wouldn't you say? i think it's time we actually won a war; i mean, we're still fighting the War on Drugs .... does this mean people on drugs are kicking our ass? fuck it, let's invade .... mmmmm ...... disneyland's too well protected; let's invade monaco; it's a small country, it's easy to get to, and it doesn't have an army .... and, when we take over the casinos, it'll pay for itself! we hear so much about "intelligence failures;" i don't think they're talking about republicans being stupider than cowshit drying in a field, or democrats who theoretically could define policy with a senate majority but are falling all over themselves to betray their constituencies--like women--to corporate interests .... jesus .... intelligence failures run rampant in this country, john mccain a presidential candidate being just one example, sarah palin a vice-presidential contender being another .... still, why is so little mention made of the massive failures of intelligence that resulted in, among other things, the attack on the twin towers and the illegal immoral unilateral invasion of a sovereign nation that posed us no threat whatsoever (IIUIOASNTPUNTW)--if the shrill hysteria about "weapons of mass destruction" wasn't a failure of intelligence on the part of our "leaders" and our "media," then howdy doody really should be president--he's personable, he's telegenic and, most important, his jaws move when the unseen powers shove their hands up his ass and make them move ..... i read over some of my old editorials and wasn't surprised to see how on-target they were, or how incredibly brilliantly prescient i've been; it's no satisfaction to me, neither did cassandra get any satisfaction from being right and right on, time and time again ..... but i haven't been idle during my sabbatical; in my next column i will explain to you the correlation between anti-abortion movements, corporate personhood, and cancer ..... like you couldn't tell 'em apart, right? meanwhile, i'm planning my next air travel .... it's always interesting, going through the metal detectors with two titanium shoulders, plus i figure i fit the terror profile to a "t": aging alternative icon, heavily tattooed, long grey hair, balding on top, wearing leather and chasing two five year olds ..... next time i'm just cutting right to the end of the chase: i'm dropping my drawers, taking off my pants, and walking through naked ..... next: dr. pete writes and records a new unpopular album ..... ]]> http://www.peterkaukonen.com/mt-static/2010/01/the_naked_truth.html http://www.peterkaukonen.com/mt-static/2010/01/the_naked_truth.html Editorial Fri, 08 Jan 2010 12:59:16 -0800 me again .... i thought i lost you when i said we should bomb kansas; did that frighten you? were you scared? nobody wrote in saying "yah, bro' .... right on! let's bomb kansas!" where were all the kudos? i don't think bombing kansas is over the top; we've had years of chanting and ranting and panting about how we should "bomb bomb bomb .... bomb bomb iran; bomb bomb bomb .... bom bom iran ....." why, that was even a presidential party platform in the last election, and nobody looked askance at it ..... although now the chant's changed a little, hasn't it? now the news goes like this: "republicans criticize obama for not taking a stronger line with iran ...." that's news, isn't it: republicans criticizing obama? ..... wow, i'm shocked: republicans criticizing obama! who woulda thunk it? but .... doesn't criticizing a wartime president constitute treason? hey, that's what i was told last time around; when did the rules change? just kidding of course .... ha ha .... i know how the rules work: democrats exist for republicans to criticize, and the "media" exists to promote and propagate this bullshit; what i don't get is, how do republicans know who's a democrat these days? i mean, we have the democrats enthusiastically taking charge of and expanding the wars they got into office opposing and floating more dollars i'm told we don't have to promote those wars, just like all the democrats are forking over wheelbarrow loads of moolah to big banks that are now touting record profits and handing over huge bonuses again so they can "keep the best talent" because they don't want all those bright folks who tanked the world economy to go someplace else with all their smarts and when it comes to healthcare and you read the polls which, as questionable as they are, now indicate a preponderance of americans want a single payer healthcare system so they can have insurance without having to peddle their butts on downtown street corners, the democratic chairman of the committee that's supposed to evaluate healthcare modalities won't even put single payer care on the table because "insurance companies can't compete" but "the government would run things badly" and that would be "soshalism" which as we know won't wurk here like it doesn't work in sweden and england and canada and ..... boy, that socialism ..... thank god i don't have soshalized medisin where i live now, a very affluent part of america in a very affluent part of californya, where it took three months to get my boys in to see doctors, just as it took me three months to get to see a doctor, by which time all our symptoms had disappeared; is that how medicine works now in this country? if you take long enough the symptoms will go away .... or you'll die .... in which case we can enter you in the statistics as "cured ......" there are lots of things i could criticize obama and his boys for, like .... where are the war crimes trials? but .... this "why isn't he taking a hard line with iran" isn't one of them .... how would we have responded if the iranians had, back in 2000, invaded the united states to preserve democracy in the face of the blatant electoral theft perpetrated by the republicans--abetted by the supreme court--in florida? "hey, guys ... thanks a lot! thanks for helping us save our freedoms! down with the usurping dogs! down with the corrupt corporate plutocratic hegemony that stifles dissent and tramples the rights of the people! and while you're here, don't forget to have some conch fritters .... and you gotta try the stone crab!" why are we critical of the iranian regime? let's see .... their establishment has stolen an election .... hey ... we do that shit all the time .... massive demonstrations are ignored .... or outlawed .... just like us! hey, when we do it, when our "leaders" ignore popular opinions and pursue disastrous corrupt evil policies we call it "fearless leadership" so why don't we just snuggle up to the iranian Supreme Leader and make him an honorary republican? i know it's been a while since, like kent state, we shot demonstrators in the streets but we can't be far behind in this respect, can we? i mean, how can we give up the moral high ground here? i've always felt that non-violent protests were dangerous, that people peacefully protesting against wars posed massive threats to our security and that non-violent people should be treated as violently as possible: it's the american way, and our ways are the best! of course, america has a hallowed tradition and history of supporting freedom and democracy in iran; just like southerners haven't forgotten the civil war the iranians still recall america's involvement in their politics, with highlights like the CIA toppling the democratically elected mossadeq government in 1953 and replacing it with that icon of freedom, shah rezah pahlavi .... it's a tossup, isn't it? should we bomb them because we don't like that ass-a-hole-a ayatollah? because we disapprove of the mad, bad ahmedinajad? or should we invade them and have diebold install new voting machines to preserve the integrity of their electoral process? we're experts on the integrity of the electoral process, from mississippi through the fifties and sixties and seventies and eighties and florida in the nineties and ohio in the new millenium and i know i'm missing about forty-seven other states and isn't the timing of our indignity and moral rectitude spectacular? with the supreme court upholding the Voting Rights Act of 1965? except for that recalcitrant holdout cl*r*nce th*mas? yeah, that f*ggers, all right ..... “The historic accomplishments of the Voting Rights Act are undeniable,” the chief justice [roberts] wrote. But these days, he went on, “things have changed in the South.” “Voter turnout and registration rates now approach parity,” Chief Justice Roberts wrote. “Blatantly discriminatory evasions of federal decrees are rare. And minority candidates hold office at unprecedented levels.” of course, things have changed in the south, and now the discriminatory practices held sacred by southerners have been adopted by states like ohio .... or florida ..... or anywhere voter turnout might give democrats an electoral edge ..... you know, not too long ago we read, ever so briefly, about populist rage in the face of the unabashed greed of our financial masters of the universe; we never saw any of that ....ha ha .... populist rage manifested over stolen elections ..... or ten hour waits in the rain to cast a vote that'd be disallowed ..... too bad the only protests over stolen elections came out in favor of them ...... etc. etc. etc. .... etc. etc. etc. ..... you know, i'm so despondent about, well ..... just about everything on the political scene .... i'm thinking of heeding the advice of some of you readers, who suggested that i write about other things, things like ..... my boys' first day at camp! or how about the upcoming 40th anniversary of woodstock! or how about a treatise on how it's not just that we're old .... it's that today's "music" really does suck ..... next: dr. pete takes a vacation]]> http://www.peterkaukonen.com/mt-static/2009/06/iran_all_the_way_home.html http://www.peterkaukonen.com/mt-static/2009/06/iran_all_the_way_home.html Editorial Wed, 24 Jun 2009 18:13:49 -0800 thank god we don't have to have a discussion about torture any more and, by the same token, thank god we've won the war against terror--at least in iraq--and we don't have to read about that shit any more .... the media's been slobbering over the nominee for the supreme court--even as republicans call her a racist--and my heart melts every time i hear about the hardships she suffered and her parents suffered and how she pulled herself up by her bootstraps and i've never even seen a bootstrap and i've worn a lot of boots in my day one of my favorites i was ten years old i think and i remember i was on the giulio cesare the italian american oean liner heading somewhere and i was walking around the corridors of the ship and i had oh my god! i had combat boots! and they had to be laced up! and they were a great color too i just can't remember where i might have gotten a pair of combat boots i think we were coming back from pakistan via europe but i do know there were no bootstraps in them and none of my shoes have ever had bootstraps or shoe straps you know i heard the same fucking stories about clarence thomas about how he'd overcome oppression and intolerance and how if you didn't approve of him you'd be prejudiced and a racist and boy is he a gob of phlegm we sure screwed the pooch on that one i wonder if he has bootstraps i could care less what color a supremie is polka dots green-and-purple stripes who gives a fuck what'd really make me enthusiastic about a supreme court nominee is someone who is so dedicated to upholding the constitution rather than expanding corporate rights who's such a rigorous interpreter of the rule of law that we'll see cheney bush rice bybee yoo and you know hoo else slapped in jail for treason and crimes against humanity and placed on trial for war crimes and ...... then i'd get excited about something .... then i'd have some of that hope obama was selling .... the fact that we're so preoccupied with a candidate's socioeconomic whereabouts and usetabes tells us yet again what a classist country this is, and what a tribute to marketing we are and ..... but you know all that, being the kind of sophisticate that reads my columns ...... there is no discourse in this fucking country, and the parameters and talking points are all set by neofascists and so distorted that i'm surprised you haven't heard me shrieking .... i'll give you a couple of examples .... last week i heard a "commentator" on N[utzoids] P[uking] R[egularly] talking about "wild-eyed bomb throwing liberals ......" i can't remember who the "moderator" was, but there was no correction, i didn't hear the sound of this cretinous asshole being bitchslapped; nobody was called a "lying fuckhole retard" or a "scumbag who sucks poodle shit off the pavement," although all labels were most likely accurate .... bomb throwing liberals .... mmmm .... i guess that means timothy mcvey was a liberal, or maybe liberals wouldn't use car bombs because they're not eco-friendly and green ..... then the neejerk crimes had one of their masthead "columnists" telling us how to tell the difference between liberals and conservatives ..... he tells us that conservatives don't want to slap their fathers, neither are they comfortable touching the water faucets in public restrooms .... he says that "People who would be disgusted to find that they had accidentally sipped from an acquaintance’s drink are more likely to identify as conservatives ....." wow ..... i sure wanted to know that, didn't you? important part of the discourse, wouldn't you say? i never knew that was the way you could tell a conservative: i thought conservatives bombed hospitals and shot doctors who provided health services to women; i thought conservatives got loaded on oxycontin, banged in viagra suppositories, and abused prepubescent sex slaves; i thought conservatives sucked the brains out of kittens and used the flaccid bodies as lounge slippers; i thought conservatives gnawed their way out of leathery-shelled eggs with an egg tooth; i thought conservatives were psychotic assholes who poisoned the air they breathed and sullied the ground they walked on; i thought conservatives lined their nests with the bodies of children who died for want of medical insurance; i thought conservatives were a lot of things, none of them pretty, but i never thought the marker was whether or not they'd slap their fathers, were disgusted if they drank from a friend's glass, and weren't comfortable touching faucets in rest rooms .... come on; aren't conservatives the ones that are always hanging out in rest rooms? in the crapper stalls? playing peekaboo? dipping crusts of bread in the urinals? what a fucking world ... jesus ..... no wonder we don't have to talk about torture any more; who cares, right? i'd started writing this column a week ago, then i was out of town for the weekend and what a joy to come back and find out how prescient i was, writing about conservatives who "[shoot] doctors who provide heatlh services to women ...." yes, that's the pro-life stance for you, and i guess that makes me pro-death, because i'm all for executing all these assholes ..... the discussion never touches that a woman's "right to choose" extends far beyond whether she wants to terminate a pregnancy or not; a woman gets to choose the quality of life that child might have; a woman gets to choose the kind of lives her other children--present or future--might have; a woman gets to choose whether she wants to bring a child into a world that's loving and provides comfort, or whether she wants to consign that child to the kind of conservative hell these ass-sucking christers like so much: suffer in this world so you can eat god's pie in the next .... ha ha .... as california, fiscally inept under republicans, cuts off all services to poor children ...... guess that fetus better get a job ..... there's no discussion about domestic terror and there should be because, yes, they're terrorists, yes they actively terrorize people ... they want people frightened and they want people curtailing their freedoms and they want to impose their will on others and they're murderous fucks .... the spin is that the perpetrator was mentally unsound, ooooo, but fuck .... they're all psychotic assholes, and like all conservatives they skate on the responsibility thing: yes, prominent conservatives can sanction and advocate the murder of people who provide health services to women, but when it happens they side step their own culpability ..... guns don't kill people; christians with guns kill people .... although i'm really glad that we've made it legal to carry automatic weapons in national parks; you never know when you'll come across a bear performing abortions ..... you know what i think? i think we should carry the war on terror to kansas; i think we should carry the war on terror to the bahbul bay-yult; i think we should carpet bomb topeka because we know there are terrorists there; i think we should drop daisycutters on pentecostal churches; boy there's a hotbed of sedition if ever there were one; let's put the cheney one percent doctrine into effect: find a group that wants to kill americans and bomb the shit out of 'em .... i can't tell the difference between the taliban "over there" and our taliban except ... ha ha .... the taliban over there at least provide valuable services in that they ride herd on the opium crop and the heroin production, just like we taught them to do when they were our buddies, so production's always going up and quality is guaranteed ..... it staggers me what a non-item doctor murder is, how little coverage it's gotten, ..... one of the few references i caught was from a conservative bemoaning the "liberal bloggers who were ....." ngngngngngng ..... and i can't believe how blase we are about the fbi letting this shit slide when even the department of homeland security came out and cited the rise of right wing groups as a major terrorist threat and .... and .... and ..... and i can't go on ..... you know, i expected all this shit from bush and the boys; ashcroft, covering up statue titties and talking in tongues, that's both ooo-eeee-oooo and ha ha ha at the same time, you know? but a democrat in the white house? i didn't expect anything, i really didn't but ..... i had a smattering of hope ...... boy, are the dust bunnies looking rilly rilly good ....... next: dr. pete has allergies http://www.peterkaukonen.com/mt-static/2009/06/lets_carpet_bomb_kansas.html http://www.peterkaukonen.com/mt-static/2009/06/lets_carpet_bomb_kansas.html Editorial Wed, 03 Jun 2009 20:40:19 -0800 Obama Moves to Bar Release of Detainee Abuse Photos: Saying the release of photos of soldiers abusing captives in Iraq and Afghanistan would endanger U.S. troops, the president reversed a decision made last month. Senate Rejects Limit on Credit-Card Interest Rates .... gee .... there's a surprise ..... the same shameless group of ass-garglers that turned the credit card companies loose on the consumer in the first place; that legalized usury and made bankruptcy incredibly difficult--unless, of course, you're a car company sucking up taxpayer dollars; .... where's that much-vaunted "populist rage" now that we could use some? Social Security Set To Run Out of Money ..... they're at it again, not that they every stop ..... fear, lies, deception; manipulation, betrayal, these cocksuckers won't take their eyes off of your social security funds until they can put it away in their pockets ...... Obama Planning to Keep Tribunals for Detainees .... what do we have here? bush lite? Health Insurers To Kick Back 2 Trillion Dollars Over A Ten-Year Period .... mmmmm .... if they're leaving two trill on the table, makes you kind of think that they've been gouging the living shit out of us, doesn't it ..... i can't believe that we're still having a discussion about "torture ....." i mean, "harsh techniques ...." i mean "enhanced techniques ....." i mean " what republicans and christians are all in favor of and democrats'll go along with if they think no one's looking" why am i not surprised that "christians" are in favor of beating the shit out of people and nearly killing them time and time again, over and over and over again because they don't say what you'd like them to say because "AUUGHGHGHGLUBGLUBGLUBGLUBGLUB" isn't the same as "saddam hussein personally flew one of the planes into the twin towers just remember infidel dog while bush and cheney've been keeping you safe from terror attacks about 5,000 troops have been killed compared to the 3,000 who died in the towers not a bad exchange for safety GLUBGLUBGLUBGLUB" christians are conditioned to hurting the fuck out of people because they worship a loving god who will burn you in agony forever and ever if you don't accept his peaceful love and ..... GLUGLUGLUGLUGLUBGLUBGLUBGLUBBLEAUGHGHGHGHGHGHG ....... you just have to learn how to live with inconsistencies, with dissonance, and with stupid fucking people who by and large wouldn't even qualify as landfill; can we just pave 'em over? this whole "what did nancy pelosi know and when did she know it oh my GOD! she knew all the time and never said anything and OOOOOO she's a hypocrite and that makes torturing the shit out of people okay because we're republicans and we get to do that kind of shit" is a straw man, but the media's complicit in this ghost chase .... you know, i'm still waiting to hear what diane feinstein was referring to when she said, just before the IIUIOASNTPUNTW, "if i were to vote the way my constituency wanted i would vote against authorizing IIUIOASNTPUNTW, but because nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah i know things that you don't i know things that you don't, i'm going to vote to authorize IIUIOASNTPUNTW and then i can join the ranks of war profiteers like any good american would ..... jeez, i don't know ..... does anyone in this country think about what they're being fed? dog food? sheep food? we can't show us pictures of us torturing people even though they were leaked to an australian newspaper three years ago (i'm citing hearsay here; does anyone know anything about this? the unifying theme of the pictures is said to be "blood .... there's lots of blood ..everywhere" ...) because it'd put our troops in harm's way and antagonize our horrid adversaries who want to hurt our troops ..... i figure if you want to get troops out of harm's way, bring 'em back alive ..... plus, isn't the point of being a troop hurting people? and if you hurt people don't you just think you might run the risk of getting hurt right back? and i don't really think that showing the world more photos'll antagonize those detergents ... i mean, insurgents .... so they think "let's go kill some americans" .... isn't that what they're thinking already? they hate us because they hate our freedoms, which obviously includes the freedom to torture people whenever we want to and the freedom to be psychotic lying assholes and dervish dancers in the mad spin to justify what complete shits we are and the contempt and disdain with which we're held as lying fucks ..... besides, didn't "the surge" take care of all that shit? ha ha .... just kidding of course ... ha ha .... can we get over our obama love fest, please? let's see: we're keeping up the bush tribunals, we're falling over our tiny little dicks to pony up another 97 billion dollars to bomb wedding parties in afghanistan, we're not prosecuting lawbreakers .... well, let me back up a minute here .... we're not politician lawbreakers and we're not prosecuting corporate lawbreakers because corporations contribute huge sums to politicians whose primary function is to stay in positions of power so they can get more money and more power so they can stay in positions of power so they can make more money and get more power but we will prosecute the shit out of you if you're a n*gg*r and you have some c*caine then it's nellie bar the door and don't you think if insurers are going to kick back two trillion dollars they've been gouging us for years if they can afford to kick back that kind of money and still make the profits they like to make to feed their shareholders and give their ceo's the kind of golf vacations, hair treatments, and golden parachutes they so richly deserve because after all they're the best and the brightest it's a good thing we still have grade schools that we can cut funding to and thank god for health care programs for children we don't need them when we're in a fiscal crisis so we can always take their pennies away to give to big banks fuck the kids and the poor why don't they get a fucking job and pull themselves up by their bootstraps don't tell me they can't afford fucking shoes ..... anybody that can afford two hundred and forty bucks for basketball shoes with a logo can ante up the bucks for shoes with bootstraps .... doesn't nike make 'em? i don't know .... my crystal balls are cloudy these days and i can't tell what the future holds, although i tend towards darkness and disillusionment, so i'm reluctant to think that the amount of press given to the torturers might actually breach the indifference of the american sheeple, who seem to be far more concerned with jen and angie and .... gasp! .... abortions ..... well, you know what they say: don't want an abortion? don't fucking get one ..... what do you think? think we'll see some of the boosh biggies hauled up on war crimes trials? set up in the hague, charged with crimes against humanity? the only thing i can add is, i'm temporarily out from underneath the bed but ..... my dust bunnies are lonely .... and i think i had a better view down there ..... next: dr. pete sneezes ..... ]]> http://www.peterkaukonen.com/mt-static/2009/05/aaaaaachoooooooo.html http://www.peterkaukonen.com/mt-static/2009/05/aaaaaachoooooooo.html Editorial Sun, 17 May 2009 20:34:11 -0800 different, there's an upsurge of resentment against the republican depredations and ..... i swear to god, i can't tell the difference ..... sure, there are these little dollops of enlightenment, these titbits thrown out to palliate a public that's eating the big, hairy economic wazoo: stem cell research? hey, that's great, and i know that michael j. fox'll be glad to hear that but ..... i'd rather see war crimes trials ...... there are lots of trials that i'd like to see to .... ha ha .... reinvigorate my belief in the "rule of law," but .... ha ha ..... i doubt very much that we'll be seeing the telecom companies prosecuted for their complicity in .... ahem .... eavesdropping on americans; i doubt that we'll see any charges brought against republican whore .... i mean "war" .... mongers like feith, perle, wolfowitz--along with the "mainstream media," for their part in promoting falsehoods and disseminating mis- and dis-information that led to the IIUIOSNTNPUATW (i believe that stands for "the illegal immoral unilateral invasion of a sovereign nation that never posed us any threat whatsoever" but i didn't bother counting out the letters); do you really think there are going to be any significant consequences for the wall street sociopaths that threw aside the surly bonds of government regulation--aided and abetted by willing democrats and republicans--and wreaked havoc on the global economy? do you really think there'll be any significant reform of an economic system that's served a select few very well while slamming the ham to the ever more strictured middle class? and the rest of the world? i really can't summon the remotest bit of what in the past might have passed as humor as i contemplate america and american values today .... hmmm ..... let's see .... i've just read that FEMA is now going to repossess the trailers (the ones with the formaldehyde filled walls) that new orleans residents, displaced by katrina, have been living in while trying to rebuild their homes and now .... ha ha .... there'll be no place for them to go--even though the trailers are just going to be junked: "they've served their purpose"--while y/our money continues to flow into the gaping pockets of investment bankers and banks and insurance companies and hedge funds and oh, isn't this an eloquent manifestation of american values and i can't find anything funny to say about this ..... maybe it's just that i'm tired, or need to up my meds ..... if i do up my meds, i'd better not be counting on single payer healthcare to help pay for them, not in this fucking country .... doesn't it strike you as .... mmmmm ..... somehow indicative of our values that there is no provision for single payer health care in the current "discussions" of "healthcare reform" on capitol hill? that people who questioned the wisdom of that at the hearings were jailed? eight years ago cheney's "energy task force" consisted of oil executives and lobbyists, and it's still the same old, same old: the foxes guarding the henhouse ..... and now i'm sitting here thinking, "do i have to write about torture again?" jesus, are we still seriously debating whether or not pouring a couple of gallons of water up somebody's nose is "torture" or just a "harsh technique?" are we really going to let all the sleazebags and psychopaths who perpetrated this shit go scot free? ha ha ..... yes, we are; you can count on it ..... isn't it funny how, after eight years of listening to bush try to speak, sounding like he was choking on a perpetual pretzel and making no sense whatsoever, we're no longer anti-semantic--we're now very precise with our use of language: it isn't torture if it doesn't cause major organ damage or death .... gee, i don't know; i keep thinking about the chinese water torture--it doesn't cause major organ damage or death but .... it's still torture .... what do the chinese know that we don't? then there was the big flap about arlen spector leaving the republican party ..... oooooooo ...... this'll give the democrats a huge advantage ....... eeeeeeeeee ....... they democrats'll have a fillibuster proof majority! yawn ..... if the democrats gave a shit about having a majority, if they had the eeentsiest teensiest bit of interest in having a majority so they could promote the democrat agenda--and does anyone have any idea what this might be? other than .... ha ha .... raising taxes?--might not they have expended some energy on the outcome of the norm coleman/al franken election? i'm sorry but i'm not feeling super hopeful .... it feels to me like the democrat agenda is to embed themselves in power so obama can get another term so the democrats can stay in power; isn't that what the republicans were doing? and now i'm sitting here, looking at this fucking computer screen, with the only thing going through my head a litany of "f-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-ck ........ ooooooooooo f-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-ck ...... we-e-e-e-e-e-e-e're f-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-uck'd> ......." sorry: that's not substantive writing, not coherent reasoning, and not cogent thought, not by a long shot ...... it's not funny, either ...... as far as values go--and that's not very far, not in this country-- and as far as media integrity goes--and that's not very far in this country--let's talk about priorities, the biggest one being peddling fear for top dollar, a time honored tradition in america, and always about the biggest business there is ..... H1N1; swine flu, and we're not talking about pigs flying by my window, or greedy pig cocksuckers in congress who suck it up for greedy corporations .... you scared about swine flu? you ready to go buy some tamaflu? hey, think we should lock the borders and keep out our gardeners and nannies because, well .... because they're dark-complected and we're a racist bunch of fuckers but .... we can justify it because some poor kid got sick and died and maybe the disease started at a pork factory run by smithfield because bill clinton rammed NAFTA through and our corporations can run 'cross the border (see, it's okay because it's going south rather than coming north) and fuck things up down there and ..... how about this for an epidemiological perspective: every day out of every week out of every month in every year the united states of america has 81 gun fatalities ..... yes, that's every day .... every year the united states sees 144,000 tobacco related deaths ..... now: which do you really think needs more attention ..... something that kills 144,00 people and is preventable? at the risk of pissing of the tobacco companies? how about preventing close to 30,000 deaths per year? ooooops .... don't want to piss off the NRA, do we? i've often wondered--and i'm sure you have, too--why the democrats have been so, well ..... ineffective in consolidating their power, presumably to further a progressive agenda .... i think it's because there is no progressive agenda; i think we're going to be served up the same old turd cake with a slightly different shit frosting on it ..... tell me i'm wrong ..... go ahead; tell me i'm wrong ...... i'll be under the bed .... with the dust bunnies ..... next: dr. pete bakes a cake]]> http://www.peterkaukonen.com/mt-static/2009/05/how_now_brown_cake.html http://www.peterkaukonen.com/mt-static/2009/05/how_now_brown_cake.html Editorial Mon, 11 May 2009 15:50:13 -0800 this for a change: how about you back your president .... you're democrats; you're the party that swept the polls; you're democrats; do what americans want you to do--back your fucking president .... don't give me this bullshit about how you've got to "safeguard your interests in the upcoming elections;" you're elected, you're in office right now, you're there to do a fucking job, not to win popularity contests, not to be miss congeniality, not to prance around like a dithering shit wearing a skimpy swimsuit; winning an election in the future, that's NOT YOUR FUCKING JOB! your job is to BE A DEMOCRAT! do your job and DO IT NOW! the fact that there's no payback for these craven eaters of liquid fuck is part and parcel of the whole "there is no responsibility" routine .... like that wrinkled old wombat scrotum, joe liebermann; did he get thrown out of the democratic party for endorsing wattle-faced mccain? fuck, no; did we see him hanging upside down in a gas station, like mussolini? no, we didn't ..... see anyone from halliburton getting indicted? anyone from morgan stanley chase manhattan citigroup bank of america getting anything other than more money from you and me? i read a lot of shit in the "media;" this week's hot phrase is "populist anger:" ooooooo ..... the people are so angry ..... eeeeeee .... the president is so angry ...... nrghghghghghghgh ...... angry! angry! angry!" what a load of codswallop: people aren't fucking angry--they're worried about jen or about the latest teen that's disappeared or where they can get more coupons for shopping ..... if they were angry they'd be in the fucking streets, manning the barricades, shrieking LET THEM EAT CAKE! LET THEM EAT KAKA! KAAAAAA KAAAAAAAAAA KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHG! pooty used one fetlock to wipe my fevered brow and, with a dainty trotter, took my pulse; a magic pony can do that, you know ..... dr. pete, pooty said; you're overwrought; perhaps you ought to have a sugar cube? chill out a little? next: one mint julep was the cause of it all ]]> http://www.peterkaukonen.com/mt-static/2009/03/let_them_eat_kaka.html http://www.peterkaukonen.com/mt-static/2009/03/let_them_eat_kaka.html Editorial Mon, 30 Mar 2009 11:41:41 -0800 that thing, silly--you're being perseverative and obsessive; we started talking about the economic meltdown and why we just couldn't bring ourselves to use the "N" word--you know .... n*t*on*liz*ation and pooty said something to the effect that *meric*ans were really d*mb because not only couldn't they bring themselves to call a sp*de a sp*de, there was all this rhetoric from apparatchiks and functionaries about how we needed to enact legislation that'd prevent stuff like this happening again and pooty said, you had that legislation it was the glass-steagall act until it was meticulously dismantled by republicans headed by the Great Whore phil gramm but ha ha it was buy-partisanship at its finest because clinton signed it into law and then it was nellie bar the door and all the horsies got out of the barn and now you want to close it? and then pooty went on to say isn't it odd that the wall street guys who busted everybody's balls so they could get stinky rich are entrepreneurs that drive our system but wistful wishful wannabes who bought a house on questionable credit because they thought they could roll it over and put some money in the bank are irresponsible scumbags who deserve no help or sympathy whatsoever and the wall street guys are protected by contracts guaranteeing their bone-asses which means they're not union members because union contracts with for example auto makers don't mean shit and ..... pooty's a magic pony and all, but sometimes even a magic pony can't fathom the depths of perfidy, grok the venality, encompass the impetus republicans have to sell themselves, the citizenry, and everything else that isn't nailed down with railroad spikes to those big corporations ...... but pooty reminded me of my own prescience, referring to my mid-2004 musical opus "beyond help!" which featured such predictors as "george bush suggests social security invest in stock market .... market crashes .... country bankrupt .... tom cruise has good looking wife ......" at the time people upbraided me: tom cruise isn't married, they said .... stick around, i replied; just stick around .... you'll see ...... anyway, pooty reminded me that there's a lot of confusion about the "cash for trash" initiatives the fed is suggesting, that people really don't understand what purchasing "toxic derivatives" is all about, and how badly they're being screwed--again--by the upper one percent; "dr. pete," pooty said, using one dainty hoof to pop another sugar cube; "you being a doctor and all, and having worked with seriously compromised individuals like hot tuna and all, perhaps you could help people understand what otherwise might seem to be impenetrable?" well, it's hard to refuse a request from a wonder pony, so here goes ..... now, boys and girls, let's pay a visit to those long lost days of yore, the golden carefree days of the late 70s and early 80s when .... oh, you thought i was going to go off on john mccain and neil bush and the savings and loan debacle? but ... ha ha .... that was just pennies in a peasant's pisspot, a paltry 350 billion drilled out of the u.s. taxpayer compared to close to a trillion and counting on the current meltdown and that doesn't even wink a sphincter at the cost of the eye-rak war and there's your republican fiscal responsibility i guess we'll have to shut down some more schools and hospitals and clinics to save money and where i was really going was to the Coke Years, before cocaine ever became a problem for anybody and before the war on drugs made it so difficult to get cocaine unless you were in a prison or in a grade school and of course the war on drugs's made cocaine rilly rilly expensive so no one can afford it now i mean who afford twenty bucks a gram but back then there was lots of it and lots of people dabbled at dealing it so they'd get some and generally it'd be pretty good and then they'd dip into it a little ha ha plus they figured they could stretch it out a little ha ha so they'd have more to sell and even though it wouldn't be as good they'd make more money god they were all little fucking republicans weren't they so they got extenders things like mannitol the notorious baby laxative and everyone'd say that's why you want to poop when you take that first snort no that's not why it's because cocaine is a central nervous system stimulant and one of the first results is that the autonomic nervous system goes zero to sixty in 1.2 seconds and that includes peristalsis which jams your poops into overdrive and then outsources them and we're not even counting the reuptake cycle of serotonin and then there was inositol the corn starch derivative those shiny little spicules you'd have to grind 'em up because they'd lacerate the shit out of your nasal mucosa and before you knew it you'd have a kilo of talcum powder and ground glass and poodle dandruff without an atom of columbian instant breakfast or peruvian marching powder no nose nike anywhere but you'd still have to sell it because when it got into kilos it got serious and it wasn't funny any more and suddenly people had guns if only we'd had our good friend uncle sam he'd've said, why .... give me your tired your hungry your poor; let me take that kilo of crap'n'duff off your hands and i'll find a buyer for it somewhere out there there's some visionary that wants this stuff here that's what's being proposed now we're going to buy all the paper that no self respecting canary'd crap on and our kindly government'll see to its toxic disposal like maybe they can take it out to nevada and bury it all under harry reid maybe then he'd be good for something that toothless nattering old fuck and i guess what i'm saying is i don't do coke but if i did i sure wouldn't want to buy a kilo of inositol why would anyone buy devalued paper as an investment so it seems to me that we're being set up for another fucking, plucking, sucking and fleecing, and it's so blatant i think i'm going to poop now pooty can you clear me a space on the straw right here and ...... wouldn't it be nice if we could stimulate the economy as quickly and easily as hoovering up a huge rail? jeez, i don't know ... it's not like i want to toot my own horn or anything beep beep honk honk but somehow i managed to figure out that there weren't any wmd's in iraq; somehow i could tell that we shouldn'ta oughtta embark on a unilateral illegal immoral invasion of a sovereign nation that'd never posed us any harm; somehow i knew that everything bush stood for or did was malignant and i'm thinking that america's been living in fear for over sixty years; are we ever going to get tired of it? if the goal of terrorists is to create terror, then the lords of wall street are right up there with osama: "if you don't give me lots and lots of money then your whole house of cards is going to come crashing down and your big screen hdtv is going to be reposessed," and the sad and sorry truth is there's no shortage of cause for anxiety, alarm and concern, what with businesses going out of business and people losing their jobs and our politicians are still not missing an opportunity to fuck with unions that might help a working stiff just a little .... focusing on "bonuses" makes for good press; politicians and the public can thrash around in a twelve-step meeting feeling-share-fest: "oooooo i'm so angry ..... eeeeee ..... do you see how angry i am? now .... watch me get really angry" but focusing on the bonuses misses the point completely, and that is these gents own our government, our government was and is complicit in promoting a culture of avarice, an ethos of greed, and a system that rewards sociopathy ..... i'm not saying that my propensity for absolutist self-righteous thinking always stands me in good stead, as evidenced by the absolute lack of current sales of "going home;" my degrees aren't in economics, but i don't need a ph.d. in economics to know that we need to nationalize the banks, clean house of all the folks involved in creating this shitpile--don't tell me there aren't any other people around smart enough to do the job; maybe we should outsource it to india ho ho ho--and ..... your call is very important to us; please stay on the line while we drink caffeine rich beverages and toss a frisbee around the office while we listen to and laugh at your shrieking in an impotent frenzy and infantile rage .... next: dr. pooty goes to india ]]> http://www.peterkaukonen.com/mt-static/2009/03/listen_carefully_because_your.html http://www.peterkaukonen.com/mt-static/2009/03/listen_carefully_because_your.html Editorial Wed, 25 Mar 2009 20:19:34 -0800 how fucked we are .... thursday ... have they finished fucking us yet? friday ... nope; still bangin' away .... have a GREAT weekend! saturday .... no rest for the wicked .... sunday .... hemorrhoids are no deterrent for our political process ... monday .... etc. etc. etc. etc. ...... i guess i don't really understand the outrage that AIG's "retention packages" are causing; 170 million is a penny on the dollar when factored against the .... mmmmm ..... how many billions have we given them? somewhere last week--and i can't remember which fearless purveyor of "news" it was that brought it to our attention--i read that americans are no longer perceiving corporations as having their best interests at heart ..... did you hear me shrieking? i'm not surprised that you didn't; i hardly have the energy to shatter glass and etch crystal these days ..... oooooo ..... americans are a quick study, all right; let's see .... they've tolerated over three decades of rectal plunder by the oil companies; they stood by, grazing and bleating placidly, while the very banks they're now shovelling more money to rewrote the bankruptcy rules so that americans couldn't get out from underneath the burden of the credit cards they were bombarded with; they slept through the no-bid contracts in iraq torture kidnapping eight billion dollars cash on pallets somehow misplaced ha ha we're at what fourthousandtwohundredtwentyfive troops dead over one million iraqis yawn i can't even go off on the vapidity with which they've contemplated how the pharmaceutical industry's fobbed toxins off on them while sidestepping any liability, aided and abetted by the FDA; as for the food we eat, or the water we drink, it's all poisoned by the corporate feces of greed, and don't tell me that monsanto, archer daniels midland, or conagra are going to go sustainable and "organic" and what was that "splash" was that the last polar bear dropping into the boiling seas? i like my polar bear rare; pull him out quick, please ..... and now joe america is pissed off because wall street's best and brightest are getting a bonus and joe's getting a bone-ass ..... i guess another reason i find it so difficult to write is that it feels like i'd be filling out a report card for barack obama: afghanistan--F+; stem cell research--A-; iraq--D+; torture--C .... it feels like i get a snippet that perks me up and i go "gosh that's really great fuck you bush eat your heart out you republican fucks" and then the bottom drops out of my world and my heart sinks and i think fuck barack, i don't think your afghanistan planistan's going to work out and it just feels gamey and sniffy and it feels like i'm writing for the new york times and i'd rather eat my flesh than become a corporate journalist even though their numbers are dwindling dwindling dwindling why there's no money to be made in reporting the news except about jen she's always worth writing about and bristol palin's break-up boy there's a surprise i never saw that coming down the pike did you i'm just sitting here shaking my head thinking over six years ago we were marching in the streets ha ha like we thought it'd do any good but we did it anyway and "the media" 'misunderestimated' the number of people in san francisco new york chicago los angeles paris london rome madrid and "the media" got all excited about "shock and awe" and got stiffies about how spiffy a unilateral illegal immoral invasion'd look on television and they could sell lots of air time they sold lots and lots of hummers with little "support our troops" decals and then they started to go "oooooo ...... where are the weapons of ass distruction they're not under george booshie's desk ha ha isn't that funny?" and i could've told 'em that and so could you but they never asked me did they did they ask you and now they're going "oooooooooo ...... do you think that there's a lot of greedy little fuckers runnin' around and don't you think it'd have been just a skosh better if all the regulations and oversights hadn't been so assiduously dismantled by all the eager little termites and fuckelves in congress and the senate who had their lips firmly affixed to the fetid crank of corporate america" and i could've told them that and i don't even have a degree in economics how about you but they didn't ask you either did they and don't even get me started on the coleman/franken debacle in minnesota we still don't do elections in the land of the free and ..... i don't know what it's like where you are but it felt like spring today, the air feeling soft and velvety and i wanted to rip off my clothes and roll on my back juggling stars with my paws but it's not safe to do that in my yard i haven't even pruned out my roses yet and they're long overdue .... tulips are up, the orange tree i planted five years ago is finally bearing fruit; i see one or two glasses of freshly squeezed orange juice on it ..... mmmmm mmmmm mmmmmmm; organic free range oranges; think i'll have monsanto genetically modify it so that the oranges come mixed with ethanol ...... then i can put a tiger in my tank ...... next: dr. pete braids pootie's mane ]]> http://www.peterkaukonen.com/mt-static/2009/03/aig_on_your_face.html http://www.peterkaukonen.com/mt-static/2009/03/aig_on_your_face.html Editorial Thu, 19 Mar 2009 21:18:20 -0800